I kissed a girl (for the first time)
by stephmcx
Summary: Grace doesn't really think that Steve is upset with her, but she feels the need to apologize nonetheless. And she's nervous as hell about it, too. She has been waiting to talk to him for three weeks now, and between school and staying at her mom's and his work it's a rare chance to catch him on his own. (POV Grace)


It's Saturday afternoon and Grace is lying on her bed, poring over her text books and trying to find useful information in there for her chemistry assignment. But as so often lately, she's distracted by a mix of emotions and conflicting feelings that she can't make sense of, and she finds it hard to concentrate. Upstairs, Danno is moving around and then she hears his steps on the stairs and his keys being picked up from the sideboard next to the door.

"Hey Grace," he calls from the living room. "I'm heading for the store and then I'll pick up Charlie, alright?"

"Yeah, bye, Danno," she yells back, and then she closes her books and rolls over to lie on her back for a moment. This is the opportunity she had been waiting for. She doesn't really think that Steve is upset with her, but she feels the need to apologize nonetheless. And she's nervous as hell about it, too. She has been waiting to talk to him for three weeks now, and between school and staying at her mom's and his work it's a rare chance to catch him on his own.

When Grace hears the Camaro's engine rev up, she sits up on her bed and peers out the window. Steve seems to be in the garage still, working on that old car of his, and that's just perfect. She gets up and walks over to the kitchen, where she fixes two large glasses of iced tea. She grabs the drinks from the counter and heads for the door, but when she crosses the living room and her eyes land on the couch, all innocent and unoccupied with a heap of cushions piled in one corner, her nerves get the better of her. She hesitates and leans her forehead against the smooth wood of the door frame, thinking back on that day three weeks ago.

It had been the first time she had kissed a girl. She had brought her friend Emily over from school, because with Danno and Steve at work, they would have the house for themselves. They had planned to go to the mall later that afternoon, but they had lounged around, watched silly stuff on youtube and had lain on the couch; close to each other, so that they could both see the small screen of Grace's phone. Lying so close to Emily had caused funny feelings in her stomach and she had snuggled a little closer still, resting her head against Emily's shoulder.

After the video clip had ended, Emily had taken the phone out of Grace's hand and turned her head to look at Grace. They had stared at each other for a moment, both on the verge of hysterical giggling, but instead they had kissed. Even now, three weeks later, Grace couldn't say who had started it, the only thing she remembers is the feeling of Emily's soft lips on her mouth and how it had taken her breath away. How her body had tingled with what felt like electric sparks when all of a sudden she had felt Emily's tongue brush against hers. How she had leaned into the kiss, wanting more—

And somehow it had just happened that Steve had walked in on that kiss. He had come home early, Grace remembers that his shirt had been torn at the sleeve and smudged with dirt, and he had stopped dead in his tracks in the doorway when he had spotted them. She remembers Steve staring at them wide-eyed, while Emily's hand got tangled in her hair and Grace held the sleeve of Emily's t-shirt in a death-grip.

In her memory, the whole moment felt like out of a movie. A scene first too fast and too good to get all the details, then suddenly frozen and finally continued in slow motion. She remembers how painstakingly slow the seconds had passed, how panic had risen in her with every heartbeat. After what had felt like hours, but probably hadn't even been a minute, Steve had smiled and simply said "You should probably take this to your room," before he'd closed the front door and headed up the stairs.

Grace still doesn't know what kind of reaction she had expected, or what to make of all this, Emily and Steve and there's Will and hell, she's so confused, about so many things. Kissing Emily had been amazing, but how could she say it was nicer than kissing Will, when it had felt just so very different? How can she be thinking about Emily when it had been her who had asked Will on a date because he is the cutest guy in school? Had Steve told Danno about what he'd seen?

She takes a deep breath. She has so many questions, and maybe talking to Steve would help her answer some of them. Balancing the glasses of iced tea awkwardly against her body, she opens the door and then walks over to the garage.

Steve looks up and around the open hood of the old car when the front door closes with a loud bang. He's got dark smudges of grease on his face and arms, and he looks a little scary, with a fading bruise on his cheek, a cut on his temple, and his hair sticking up in odd directions. But Grace knows under his tough demeanor, he's really sweet and he's a great step-dad. She's calling him that more often now, when she's talking about her family, because he really is that to her, more than Stan had ever been.

"Hey Gracie" he says and smiles at her warmly, the way he always does. "What are you doing out here? You gonna help me?"

She shakes her head no and laughs, not quite able to shake off her nervousness. "No, but I thought you might like some iced tea" she offers and he takes the glass from her with thanks, after he wipes the grease off his hands with a rag.

They drink in companionable silence, Steve downing half his tea in one go, while Grace takes a few small sips, frantically searching for the right words in her mind to begin this conversation.

"I wanted to apologize," she starts haltingly. "For the other day, you know, when you… when we—" she breaks off and Steve looks confused for a moment, but catches on quick.

"Oh," he says, "yeah, that was… unexpected." He smiles at her in a reassuring way, before his expression becomes more serious. "Grace, listen, there is nothing to apologize for and you know that, right?"

She holds his gaze for a moment, before looking down at her glass. She takes another sip, trying to sort her thoughts, but it's a fruitless effort. "Yes. No. I don't know. It feels like I should apologize."

"No, Gracie," Steve insists, "certainly not to me." He puts his empty glass on the cluttered workbench and suggests "Maybe it's me who should apologize, for interrupting?"

Grace can't help but smile, he always makes her smile, even when she's sad or worried. The nice thing about Steve is that he takes her serious, that he doesn't treat her like a little girl, like Danno often does.

"What did your friend say? Are you still seeing her?" Steve asks, and there's no patronizing tone to his voice, only genuine interest.

Grace shakes her head, feeling herself blush and not able to look at Steve. "No, I—" she starts, and pauses again, collecting her thoughts. "Her name is Emily, but… I have been kind of avoiding her. I—"

God, why is this so hard? She feels stupid and clueless and it really shouldn't be this difficult to string two sentences together. Annoyed with herself she slams her glass down on the workbench next to Steve's, so hard that the remnants of tea spill over.

"I don't know. It's all so confusing!" she complains and looks up at Steve, who is leaning with his back against the workbench. He doesn't say anything, though, giving her the time she needs and she's grateful for that. Grace takes a deep breath to gather some courage and finally blurts out the question she's been dying to ask. "Uncle Steve, how did you find out that you also liked guys?"

Steve looks at her surprised, he clearly hadn't expected this.

"Or is it just Danno?" Grace asks cautiously.

"No," he says. "No, it's not just Danno. It's just—" he pushes himself off the workbench and stands in front of her. The way he's about to cross his arms in front of his chest, but then thinks better of it and shoves his hands into his jeans' pockets show that he's not quite comfortable with her questions.

"Wow, I hadn't expected this kind of conversation," he tells her honestly. "Come on, let's sit down." He puts an arm lightly around her shoulders and leads her out of the garage and towards the wooden bench by the fence.

They sit in an awkward silence for a moment and Grace feels her cheeks glow in embarrassment. If Steve hadn't been upset before, he seems to be now and she's about to apologize again when Steve starts speaking.

"I think I have been your age, I'm not sure. It's… well, it's nothing you just know. It's confusing for everyone, I guess. For me, it was the time when my mom… you know—" he makes a vague gesture with his hand. Grace nods, she knows that Steve's mom disappeared under shady circumstances when he was a teenager. And she can't imagine how that must have shattered his world—on top of everything else obviously.

"When my dad made me leave Hawaii," he continues, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, his gaze directed somewhere in the distance, "I had figured out that I was thinking about guys the way my buddies talked about girls. But I still didn't know what it meant and—" he stops abruptly mid-sentence and rubs his thumb between his eyes as if chasing away unbidden memories.

Grace pulls one foot up onto the bench and hugs her knee, pondering Steve's words, waiting for him to continue. She's a little surprised, Steve is always so confident, so in control and hardly ever scared (the only exception she remembers is when Danno was in prison in Columbia); but this seems to cost him quite some effort. He sighs, barely audible, and Grace loves him just a little more, because he's letting his guard down, for her.

Steve remains silent, though, and Grace chooses her next words carefully, she doesn't want to upset him any more, but a thought just occurred to her.

"So you just like guys, right?" she asks hesitantly. "You're not bisexual?" Steve doesn't move, but he turns his head to look at her and as she had feared, there's a frown on his face now.

"I'm gay, if you want me to say it," he admits, a little gruffly. "But Grace, those are just labels, they're not—"

"But Danno is bi?" she interrupts and when Steve nods with a hint of exasperation, she quickly continues before he can speak, "I just don't know. I like Will, you know? But I've noticed that I'm looking at girls, too, sometimes. And then I don't know if I'm doing it because I try to be open minded, or if I'm looking because I _like_ girls. Do you know what I mean?"

At the mention of Will's name, the frown on Steve's face fades away and he nods in understanding. "I think so," he says as he sits up on the bench, turning a little towards Grace and hooking an elbow over the back rest. He even gives her a small smile, a little apologetic, a little relieved, now that he knows where she was going with her line of questions.

Grace takes this as encouragement to continue, because now that she's started, she needs to get the words out. She feels angry and miserable and guilty, she has been brooding over this for the last three weeks.

"It was _me_ who asked Will out, not him. And now all I can think of is Emily, and I didn't even have a crush on her… I… it… just happened. Will is my friend, and I love him, I don't want to hurt him, but right now I'm not sure if I love him enough. I feel like ow, damn—" Grace hits the back rest of the bench accidentally with her hand, and she notices, belatedly, that she had been gesticulating wildly while speaking. Hurriedly, she shoves her hands under her thighs to keep them still.

"Gracie—" Steve is trying hard to hide his smile and failing. He puts his hand on her shoulder, soothingly and she wants nothing more than to lean into it, but she isn't finished yet. There are tears prickling in her eyes and she wipes them away furiously.

"Am I cheating on him? What am I doing? I don't know anymore who I am. Am I bisexual, too? Am I a lesbian? How do I know?"

The tears are streaming down her face now, despite her best efforts to keep them in check. She keeps her head down, a little ashamed, she had never meant to lose it like this. When Steve tugs her into a hug she doesn't resist and leans in, her head resting against his chest. It feels like she is a little girl again, safe and comforted in his arms, and she takes a deep breath, trying to regain her composure. After a moment, she pulls back, wiping away the tears on her cheeks and Steve softly strokes his hand over her head, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear.

"First of all," he says earnestly, gently pushing her chin up so he can look her in the eyes, "no matter if you like girls or boys or both or neither, it's fine. You know that, right? That's the most important thing. Danno will always love you, no matter what, and so will I."

Grace nods and tries for a smile, because she doesn't trust herself to speak right now without bursting into tears again. She knows that of course, and her collective parents' reaction about her probably not being straight hadn't been one of her worries, and not only because of obvious reasons. Hearing those words, though, is pure comfort.

"The second thing," Steve continues, "is that you have all the time in the world to figure things out. Take your time and figure out what _you_ want. Don't be angry with yourself, don't try to fit into labels, don't think you need to meet anyone's expectations, alright?" There's a knowing, faintly sad tone to his voice and Grace looks at him curiously. His face doesn't give anything away, though, and only when, coincidentally, her eyes land on the "US Navy" lettering on his t-shirt, Grace realizes that he's speaking from his own experience.

She wipes at her eyes again, contemplating and trying to match his words to her situation. It's not that she hasn't been trying to figure out what she wants for the last three weeks, but maybe she shouldn't beat herself up so much over not knowing yet. But still—

"Yeah, okay," she says slowly, not really knowing how to phrase her concerns. "But… what am I supposed to tell Will? I mean… Should I break up with him?" And she also really doesn't want to avoid Emily any longer.

"Gracie, I really don't think I'm the right person to ask for relationship advice." Steve shakes his head a little and gives her a crooked smile and Grace can't help but grin back. She would be mortified if she had to have this conversation with Danno or her mom, but it doesn't feel weird talking to Steve.

"I won't blame you," she says boldly and Steve laughs, but after a moment of consideration, he does continue.

"You said you don't know if you love Will enough. If you have doubts, then maybe it's not enough. As much as it hurts."

It is something that Grace had pondered again and again. Hearing it spoken out loud is like a confirmation and yes, admitting the thought hurts like hell. She bites her lip and closes her eyes for a moment, picturing Will's face, his smile and the sparkle in his eyes when he laughs. How can she even?

But then she thinks of Emily, deliberately conjuring her face and her laugh, and butterflies start whirring in her tummy. Suddenly, everything seems easy. It might not work out with Emily, it might not be what she wants eventually, but she knows she wants to try.

She looks up at Steve, surprised by the reasoning her mind had just come up with. "No, you're right, it's not enough and it wouldn't be fair to hold onto that."

"No, it wouldn't be fair," Steve agrees. "And that's one piece of advice after all: speak to Will and be honest. If he's your friend, in whichever way, he deserves the truth. At least tell him there might be someone else, if you don't want to come out to him."

The thought of telling Will about Emily makes her blush, she can feel her face glow and she ponders Steve's suggestion, but before she can say or ask anything, the Camaro's sound tears through the afternoon silence a short moment before they can see it turning the corner into Piikoi Street. Grace follows the car with her eyes as it approaches.

Next to her, Steve stands and Grace looks up at him, meeting his scrutinizing look. "You good?" he asks, searching her face.

"Yeah," she says and it's the truth. She's feeling more at ease now, she knows what she needs to do next and most of all, it feels so good to have shared her thoughts and questions and worries with someone instead of spinning them around in her head for some more cycles.

"Just so you know, I didn't tell Danno, alright?" Steve answers her unasked question as they watch Danno park the Camaro on the curb and in front of Steve's truck. The drive is still occupied by the old Marquis.

"Thank you," Grace says and takes Steve's hand to let herself be pulled up. "For everything." She hopes that Steve understands how grateful she is for his help and how much she appreciates his efforts despite feeling uncomfortable with her questions.

"Oh Gracie," Steve says, laughing and he pulls her closer, putting his arm around her shoulders. "I can't believe you picked me for this conversation!"

"Well, you had to interrupt us, Uncle Steve!" she says and sneaks her arm around his waist, holding tight.


End file.
